If a woman doesn’t like you, should you ask her why?

You’ve got to take it on the chin

No matter how hurtful or offensive, if she gives you an honest answer, you’ve got no right to punish her for it.

If you can’t handle the heat, stay out of the kitchen. If you can’t handle criticism, don’t ask why she rejected you.

NOTE: If your approach was respectful, and she's overly, unnecessarily rude in her rejection, count yourself lucky for dodging a bullet.

She might lie just to be nice

If she doesn’t know you well – say you’ve just met at a bar – she won’t know how you’ll react to criticism. So in most cases, she’ll just say whatever will end the interaction most swiftly and peacefully; “I have a boyfriend.”

And even if you do know her well, if she hates confrontation, is a people-pleaser, or wants to maintain your friendship, she’s also likely to tell you a pleasant lie.

While pleasant lies hurt less than painful truths, their feedback is unhelpful. Phrases such as ‘I have a boyfriend’, ‘I’m not interested in dating right now’, or ‘I value our friendship too much’ aren’t actionable insights. If anything, they’ll have you believing that all women are either taken or only see you as a friend.

She might lie just to be mean

On the other hand, if you approach a woman who’s tired of being hit on, is in a bad mood, or resents men, she might use your request for feedback to vent her frustrations, making up hurtful criticisms in the process. And worse still, she’ll deliver it with so much vigour and hatred, your negative bias will make you prone to believe it: ‘She called me ugly with such deliberation, she must have really meant it.’

You need to know why you need to know

Why do you want to know her reason for rejecting you?

Do you want to change her mind?

Does your ego need answers?

Is your goal to become her perfect man?

Do you secretly enjoy hurting yourself? 

Are you hoping to start an argument? 

Or is it because you’re genuinely looking for an opportunity to improve?

Identify your intentions before you take action.

If she deems you incompatible, her feedback is irrelevant

If someone fundamentally doesn't share your values or preferences, their opinions might not represent your true self or broader perceptions.

It’s like a death metal musician seeking feedback from a soft-rock enthusiast.

Death metal guy: "So, what'd you think of my new song?"

Soft-rock guy: "I didn't like it."

Death metal guy: "Why not?"

Soft-rock guy: "The beat was super fast, it sounded angry, there was too much guitar distortion, and I couldn't understand a lot of the lyrics."

Death metal guy: "Hmm, ok. I'll see what I can do to fix it."

When a woman rejects you, it's usually because she's deems you incompatible. And asking someone with incompatible taste why they don't like you makes their insights less relevant.

And while feedback can occasionally pinpoint areas for genuine improvement, it's difficult to differentiate this from individual or irrelevant tastes.

She may not know what she really wants

How many times have you met someone who claims to want a good partner who treats them right, only to see them end up with an obnoxious, uncaring asshole.

People often know what kind of partner they idealise, or the type of partner society expects them to idealise, but their emotions, curiosity, subconscious, and hormones often pull them in other directions. The point here: a woman’s face value assessment of why you’re wrong for her may be inaccurate. And when it is, it's either because she doesn't know what she wants, or she's ashamed to admit what she really wants. Either way, there's no value in her feedback.

The sum of several women’s feedback will confuse you

One woman will tell you she prefers bulkier guys.

Another will say you’re too muscular.

Another will say you’re too pushy.

Another will say you’re not assertive enough.

Asking enough different women for their feedback will lead to many contradicting opinions, and an endless and unrealistic list of things you’ll feel the need to change about yourself.

So how am I supposed to figure out why she rejected me?

Develop yourself. Work out, eat better, learn, read, build. Not so that more women will like you. But to improve your confidence so you’ll stop fixating on the fact that some inevitably won’t.

Create an abundance mindset. It’s natural for rejection to feel like you’ve lost the only person you’ll ever love. This sort of sensation was useful for humans 100,000 years ago, because tribes were small and options for a mate were limited. But snap out of it. There are now endless ways to meet women and endless women to meet.

Build your self-awareness. There’s no better way to understand how women perceive your behaviour than by learning about yourself.

Seek advice from a trusted, objective third-party.

This excludes:

• Anyone who resents women
• Anyone who’s currently facing a difficult situation with a woman (divorce, breakup, big fight)
• Anyone with romantic feelings for you
• Anyone who doesn’t want what’s best for you