“Women claim they want their man to talk about his feelings, but the moment he does, she's gone.”

I’ve heard some variation of this sentiment thousands of times across social media, YouTube, and during coaching sessions over the past few years.

And I disagree with it.

Unlike the Hollywood trope of the silent, perpetually stoic, brooding male hero, most real-life women are attracted to willingly vulnerable men. Particularly men who pair their vulnerability with resilience.

Let me explain. Let’s talk about vulnerability first.

Being vulnerable (in the context of dating) means exposing yourself to possible emotional harm.

Examples of vulnerability:

• Making it known when you feel anxious, upset, or jealous
• Revealing your weaknesses
• Asking for help when you need it
• Occasionally complaining when you’re having a hard time
• Admitting when you’ve made a mistake
• Discussing past failures
• Talking about your dreams and ambitions

Why do women find vulnerability attractive?

It displays confidence. Being vulnerable exposes you to potential rejection, judgement and ridicule. Displaying vulnerability in spite of this implies he has strong self-assurance.

It indicates authenticity. And authenticity makes you more relatable, personable, trustworthy, and self-aware.

It’s an act of courage. After all, a willingness to reveal your weaknesses requires emotional strength.

Regardless of how I explain the value of vulnerability to clients, many are hesitant to believe me, deliberating that their real world experiences say otherwise. And from my experience, this is usually for one of two reasons:

1. They’re with the wrong women.
2. They’re confusing – or at least failing to see a difference between – weak men and men who show weakness.

To explain the difference between a weak man and a man who shows weakness (a willingly vulnerable man), below are some traits of a weak man.

Traits of a weak man

He sits around feeling sorry for himself. This can go on for days, weeks, months, or even years. 

NOTE: I’m referring to men feeling sorry for themselves for the sake of earning sympathy and attention. Not men experiencing genuine depressive episodes.

Why this behaviour is unattractive:

• His support seems unreliable. ‘If he can’t support himself, how will he support me?’
• The future seems shaky.'If he can't handle personal problems, how is he going to handle challenges in our relationship?'
• Unhappy people make others unhappy. She’ll eventually feel like he’s dragging her down.

He constantly complains about his problems. Instead of confronting his problems head on, he relieves the tension by complaining, ultimately leaving his problems unresolved.

Why is this unattractive?

• He seems afraid and incapable of confronting problems head on.
• His behaviour suggests he lacks basic problem solving skills.
• Complainers rarely grow. And women want a man who's constantly evolving.

He gives up easily. No matter the pursuit, the moment things get too hard, he gives up.

Why is this unattractive?

• His commitment seems unreliable; ‘If he’s this ready to give up on everything else, what’s to stop him from giving up on me?’
• It discourages her from creating shared goals. 'He never sees anything through, so what's the point of creating a plan for the future together?'
• Women favour men who are mentally resilient.

He loses his cool incredibly easily. Be it when he’s jealous, in a bad mood, or he and she have a disagreement.

Why is this unattractive?

• He seems emotionally immature, insecure, and unconfident.
• Given he punishes her for disagreeing, she’ll be discouraged from raising issues, creating unresolved tension.

He uses manipulation to get what he wants.

Why is this unattractive?

• A man who resorts to manipulation suggests he’s not self-assured enough to go after what he wants honestly.
• If she catches him doing it, he’ll lose her trust.
• It makes him seem emotionally vindictive and immature.

He constantly needs validation. He’s always looking for assurance that she likes him and he’s good enough.

Why is this unattractive?

• She'll get tired of it. Constantly needing to validate someone is emotionally exhausting.
• It suggests he doesn't believe in himself. And if a man doesn't believe in himself, how is a woman to believe in him?
• His heavy reliance on other people’s opinions suggests he’s directionless, weak-minded, and incapable of forming his own opinions.

He avoids accountability. He frequently shifts blame onto others and never takes responsibility for his mistakes.

Why is this unattractive?

• It makes him seem dishonest and unreasonable.
• Needing never to be seen as wrong suggests he has a large, frail ego.
• Those who don’t take responsibility for their mistakes rarely develop as people.

What about resilience?

I mentioned earlier that women are generally attracted to men who balance vulnerability with resilience. "Resilience" refers to the capacity of an individual to recover quickly from difficulties, adapt to adversity, and maintain equilibrium despite facing challenges.

How do you combine vulnerability with resilience?

Using the examples of vulnerability from earlier, here's how resilience factors in:

Vulnerability: When you’re anxious, afraid, upset, or jealous, make it known.

Resilience: Express your feelings in a non-judgemental, emotionally mature manner.

Vulnerability: Talk about your weaknesses.

Resilience: Don’t consider your weaknesses unfixable, and never define yourself by them. Also, identify, embrace, and champion your strengths.

Vulnerability: Seek help or support when you need it.

Resilience: Only seek help after you've made a conscious effort to find the solution on your own. Also, continuously strive to improve your self-sufficiency.

Vulnerability: Make the odd complaint when you’re having a hard time.

Resilience: Make a plan to fix the problem. It’s ok to whine about your shitty bonus, but don’t just burden your girlfriend with this problem. Set a meeting with your manager, air your concerns, and negotiate with them.

Vulnerability: Admit when you’ve made a mistake.

Resilience: Make the behavioural adjustments necessary to avoid repeating said mistake.

Vulnerability: Discuss your past failures.

Resilience: Also show that you’ve accepted, learned, and grown from your past failures.

Vulnerability: Tell her about your dreams and ambitions.

Resilience: Do the work required to make them a reality.

Beyond dating, a healthy balance of vulnerability and resilience will make you a better man in every area of your life.