Active listening is one of the best ways to drastically improve both your communication skills, and your confidence in communicating. 

In the realm of dating, communication stands as the cornerstone of building and nurturing meaningful interactions. The essence of communication, however, extends far beyond the mere exchange of words. It delves into the nuances of understanding, empathy, and authentic engagement. And no communication technique better develops all three of these aspects than active listening.

Active Listening is not just a skill but an art that can significantly enhance the quality of interactions not only in a dating scenario but in every conversational setting. Historically, it has been the forte of individuals in professions that demand excellent communication skills, like salespeople, therapists, CEOs, and even hostage negotiators.

In this blog post, we delve into the 9 components of active listening, each of which serves as a stepping stone to fostering a deeper, more meaningful connection. The following explanation of active listening was written with dating in mind, but the principles can be applied to any non small-talk conversational context.

THE 9 COMPONENTS OF ACTIVE LISTENING

1. Maintain eye contact

Ironically, consciously attempting to maintain a comfortable level of eye contact makes eye contact in general feel uncomfortable.

To avoid overthinking it, during your next few interactions with familiar people, follow the 50/70 rule. Once you get the hang of it, 50/70 eye contact will feel like second nature during interactions with women.

The 50/70 rule: maintain eye contact 50% of the time when you’re speaking, and 70% when she’s speaking.

When you’re speaking: hold contact for 4-5 seconds at a time, break for 4-5 seconds, repeat.

When she’s speaking: hold contact for 4-5 seconds at a time, break for 1.5-2 seconds, repeat.

Keep in mind:

• Don’t dart swiftly back and forth. 
• Don’t move so slowly it looks like you’ve entered a trance.
• Do it in a smooth, natural motion.

Let her speak:

• Don’t try to finish her sentences
• Don’t ask irrelevant questions
• When she’s finished speaking, pause for half a second before you speak

2. Validate her

Gently nod your head when you agree with her

Make encouraging sounds and phrases:

“Ahh”

“Mhmm”

“Got it”

“Sure”

When you agree with her or resonate with what she’s said, make it known:

“I can definitely see where you’re coming from”

“I agree”

“That’s a good idea”

3. Use open body language

If you’re sitting:

• Feet and shoulders pointed in her direction
• Let your arms hang at your sides, or place your wrists in your lap; no arm folding, hands in pockets or hidden behind your back
• Shoulders back
• Core engaged
• Move your hands to express yourself when you’re speaking
• Lean in
• Smile

If you’re standing:

• Stand up straight and tall
• Shoulders back
• Stomach in
• Stand on the balls of your feet, and distribute your weight evenly; no leaning
• Keep your chin parallel to the floor
• Arms hanging naturally at your sides; no arm-folding, hands in pockets or hidden behind your back
• Feet marginally narrower than shoulder-width apart
• Move your hands to express yourself
• Lean in
• Smile

Show her your open palms

This subconsciously tells her ‘my hands are empty, I have nothing to hide.’

4. Avoid distractions

• Set your phone to do not disturb
• When an irrelevant though enters your mind, consciously silence it and focus back on her

‘If you want to stay focused on a conversation, only speak to interesting people.’

Some of us just have poor conversational focus

Practice makes it easier

5. Withhold judgement

• No matter the subject matter, remain non-judgemental
• Don’t shame, criticise, or cast blame on her
• You’re allowed to disagree, provided you don’t do it dismissively or defensively

Example:

Her: “I cheated on one of my ex boyfriends.”

Your last girlfriend cheated on you, so you might want to say: “That’s a disgusting thing to do. You’re a bad person.”

But active listening is about ignoring personal biases and impulses to judge.

At the same time, you don’t have to agree with or validate her statement. 

Instead, approach it with curiosity:

‘What circumstances were involved?’

‘What did the experience teach you?’

Mind your expressions

Sometimes our feelings unknowingly appear in our expressions.

Consciously avoid: furrowing your brow, rolling your eyes, pursuing your lips, smirking, folding your arms or 

facing away (unless of course you're doing it in a clear joking manner.)

6. Mirror her

Subtly mimicking her words and behaviours. Mirroring displays empathy, establishes rapport, and makes her feel comfortable.

Mirror her body language

• If she speaks slowly, you speak slowly.
• If she leans back, you lean back.

Repeat what she says

Her: “Work is a nightmare at the moment.” 

You: “Work is a nightmare? Tell me more.”

Her: “I’m really into group fitness classes right now.”

You: “You’re really into group fitness classes? What inspired that?”

Don’t overdo it; repeating too much of what she says back to her can sound patronising and unnatural

7. Paraphrase

Paraphrasing involves repeating the essence of what she’s said, but in a condensed, conclusive manner.

Examples

Her: My new job includes a 15% pay rise, less hours and better work conditions.

You: “Sounds like there’s heaps of benefits to your new job.”

Her: “I’m not sure what I want to do next year. I’m tossing up between travelling, studying and finding a full time job.”

You: “Sounds like you’ve got a tough decision to make.”

8. Clarify

Clarifying involves confirming your understanding of what she’s said.

Examples:

“How did that make you feel?”

“When you said … … ..., what did you mean?”

“Why do you think that happened?”

“Could you repeat what you were saying earlier...?”

“What made you decide to let it go?”

9. Summarise

Summarising involves repeating her main points, but in your own words. Its purpose is to affirm you’re listening, and confirm your understanding.

Her: "I’m enjoying living in the city. It’s great having so many cool bars and restaurants at my doorstep. Plus, public transport is really handy. It’s only a ten minute tram ride to the office. In saying all this, the city is loud, so sometimes I find it hard getting to sleep. Also, most of my friends still live in the suburbs, and I miss how easy it was to visit them on weeknights."

You: “So although you’re enjoying the nightlife and short commute to work, part of you still misses living in the suburbs?”

Her: "I just had the craziest 24 hours. Last night, I thought I had a 3000 word essay due the following morning at 9am. So I spent 12 hours straight working on it, then drove like a madwoman to hand it in on time. When I got to Uni, I ran into my professor, and he was confused by my frantic demeanour. Then he explained that the essay wasn’t due until next Wednesday.”

You: “So you stayed up all night writing your essay and risked a speeding fine submitting it, only to realise it wasn’t due for another week?”