The real reasons women friend-zone men.

1. Because she genuinely values your friendship.

Many will dispute this: ‘If she was genuinely attracted to you, she wouldn’t hesitate to risk your friendship.’

Although ‘I value our friendship too much’ sounds like a weak excuse, it’s often the truth. Many women hold their friendships in too high regard to jeopardise them for love. Particularly if:

• You’ve had a long friendship
• She’s emotionally reliant on you
• You have many close mutual friends

TAKEAWAY

I’m not trying to discourage you from forming friendships with women. I’m just informing you that if your friendship with her is long, if she appreciates your support, or if your friendship groups are deeply intertwined, friend-zoning is more likely.

Also, stop assuming that ‘I value our friendship too much’ automatically translates to ‘I don’t find you attractive.’

2. Because although your interest was clear, you never vocalised it.

This is what I call awkwardly sitting on the periphery. It’s when your actions imply you like her, but your words never explicitly made it known.

• You constantly call and text her.
• You get weird when she talks about other guys.
• You ask about her dreams and ambitions.
• You go out of your way to do her favours.
• You act protectively towards her.
• You always compliment her.

But you never ask her out, make a move, or tell her how you feel.

The longer you sit on the periphery, the more her interest dwindles. This is because your behaviour eventually starts raising thoughts like:

‘He clearly likes me, but he’s not saying it out loud. Perhaps he…

• Doesn’t think he’s good enough for me
• Enjoys giving me mixed signals
• Lacks the courage to make his feelings known
• Is incompetent with women
• Doesn’t know what he wants’

TAKEAWAY

I’m not saying you should make your intentions known the moment you like a girl.

I’m saying: if you like someone but haven’t made a move, take a good hard look at how you’re behaving towards her. If your behaviour makes it objectively clear you’re into her, either say something, or steady your behaviour.

There are certain behaviours that are expected, if not appreciated, by a long-term boyfriend. But exhibiting these behaviours too early is more likely to destroy her attraction.

These behaviours include:

i. Jealousy

In a long-term relationship: Provided it’s handled respectfully, rationally, and infrequently, this is normal boyfriend behaviour.

Early on: It makes you seem insecure, controlling, and that you’re incapable of handling your emotions.

ii. Making long-term plans with her

In a long-term relationship: A positive sign that you’re serious about her and content in the relationship.

Early on: It heaps her with uncomfortable expectations and pressure and makes you seem rushed and overly committed.

iii. Buying her expensive gifts

In a long-term relationship: A thoughtful gesture and proof that you’re keeping the romance alive.

Early on: You seem desperate to impress, that you’re trying to buy her love, and again, it makes her feel pressured.

iv. Following up when she doesn’t respond

In a long-term relationship: Expected. You know each other’s schedules and average response times. If one party takes longer to respond than normal, it’s natural for the other to follow up shortly afterward.

Early on: Impatiently following up because she’s taken an hour to respond to your message appears clingy, immature, and selfish.

v. Liking and commenting on all of her social media posts

In a long-term relationship: You’re a good boyfriend who supports his partner.

Early on: It seems excessive, overenthusiastic, and that you want all of her other followers to know she’s yours.

TAKEAWAY

Unless the two of you are officially dating, avoid these boyfriend behaviours.

Perhaps she’s focused on personal growth, recovering from a past relationship, or taking a break from dating.

This one seems suspicious – especially if she starts dating someone soon after – but sometimes another guy just happened to catch her at the right place at the right time.

TAKEAWAY

If a woman tells you she’s taking a break from dating right now, don’t tell her you’ll wait for her to be ready. Accept her reason at face value and take the steps required to move on.

When she witnesses this response, she’ll either be attracted to your confidence and lack of neediness, improving your chances of something happening once she’s ready, or she’ll remain uninterested. Either way, you’re not hopelessly sitting around, waiting for her to decide.

You might be her perfect future husband. But if right now she just wants to make some mistakes, and it’s clear you want something long-term, you’re likely to end up in the friend-zone.

TAKEAWAY

You can’t do much about a mismatch of expectations. Accept it and move on in search of someone better suited.

Also, falsifying your expectations to suit her is a road to pain. Pretending you’re happy with a casual arrangement because it’s what she wants and you’re afraid to lose her is often more painful than actually losing her.

It has to be said. She may have friend-zoned you because she’s not attracted to you.

TAKEAWAY

We’re not for everyone. Just as not everyone is for us. It doesn’t matter who you are, what you look like, or how much money you have; some women won’t find you attractive.

7. She’s only seen one side of you

‘I just don’t see you like that.’ We’ve all heard it. This excuse – if true – comes from the fact she hasn’t seen your full picture.

Sometimes, we inadvertently present only a limited aspect of ourselves to someone, affecting their inability to view us holistically; or more specifically, romantically. If you've only interacted with her in a specific context, such as work, school, the gym, or a coffee shop, she might only see you through that particular lens.

TAKEAWAY

If you like someone who only knows you in one specific context, find ways to broaden their perspective. For example, if you’ve only ever hung out at work, go for a hike together, get a drink, or attend a live show. Or if your interactions have only ever consisted of jokes and small talk, introduce some depth into your next conversation.