The problems with unnecessary apologies.

I once took a bus to the city with my friend James because he needed to exchange a faulty digital camera. Well actually, I was only going because he promised to buy me a beer afterward.

Shortly before our stop, James attempt to pick up his backpack was met with resistance. A neighbouring passenger's foot was trapping one of the straps. Politely, James asked: "Sorry to bother you; I think your foot is on my bag. Can you please move it?" The passenger responded with a cold glare, and lifted his foot without saying a word.  James graciously thanked him and we disembarked.

The camera store had a queue at least ten people deep. James apologised for our impending wait. I had nowhere to be, and it wasn't his fault, so I brushed it off: "It's not your fault, bro." James was served about 15 minutes later. Given he required an exchange, the cashier serving him took at least 10 minutes to assess his camera's faultiness. The customer behind James was becoming visibly impatient, tapping his feet and muttering "come on, come onnn." James, feeling guilty, told the customer: "Sorry I'm taking so long. I promise I'll be out of here in a moment." In response, the customer rolled his eyes, looked at his watch, and sighed. When we left the store, James commented: "That guy behind us was such an asshole."

As promised, James bought me a beer at a nearby pub. After a few drinks, he suggested switching from beer to Scotch and Coke. I agreed, he made the order, and we continued talking while the waitress prepared our drinks. After she handed them to us, and James took a sip, he noticed the drink tasted funny. It was Vodka and Coke. Just as the waitress was motioning the next customer to make their order, James interjected: "Hey, I'm sorry. I actually ordered Scotch and Cokes. I think these are Vodka and Cokes." The waitress - visibly annoyed - yanked the drinks off the bar, threw their contents them into the sink, and made correct drinks. Without eye contact, she placed them on the bar, ignored his "thank you" and served the next customer. Once she was out of earshot, James commented: "Fuck, some people are rude, aren't they?" He then reflected on that day's previous interactions: "None of them deserved my apology, yet when I apologised, they were unappreciative." I replied: "You've got to stop over-apologising." No joke, his response was: "Sorry, man, you're right."

Over-apology: an excessive or unnecessary apology.

Why do we over-apologise?

To avoid conflict. We convince ourselves that an over-apology is the easiest way to prevent unpleasantness.

Forgiveness makes us feel validated. We enjoy the warm response an apology generally garners. As such, we do it, even when it's unnecessary.

We-re people-pleasers. We want others to consider us friendly, polite and well mannered. 

Perfectionism. We have such lofty expectations of behaviour that we feel anything short of perfect warrants an apology.

Low self-esteem. We don’t believe we’re good enough; that we're an inconvenience, so we over-apologise to soften the perceived burden of our existence.

The problems with over-apologising

You unnecessarily instruct others you've done wrong

When someone apologises to us, our first instinct is to decipher their preceding behaviour as incorrect. As such, when James apologised to the customer at the camera store, he received a response of annoyance. It wasn't James' fault that processing the exchange took a while. It wasn't his fault that he was sold a faulty camera. Yet, when the customer behind him heard the apology, he instantly blamed James for the annoyance associated with waiting in line. Apologising when you've done wrong is a different story, as your preceding behaviour has likely already been deemed incorrect. But doing so when you're not at fault creates unnecessary resentment from others. 

There's no satisfaction for the other person

When someone genuinely believes we've wronged them and objectively have, there is a sense of satisfaction when we apologise; their desire for revenge or feelings of broken pride dissipate. But when we haven't done wrong – say we need to get past someone in a busy shopping centre who's standing in the way – apologising won't give them any satisfaction. As such, you're not doing other’s a favour by unnecessarily apologising.

There's a good chance you'll be annoyed by the outcome

When you apologise to someone for a wrongdoing, and they refuse to accept it, you at least find solace in taking responsibility for your actions and doing the right thing. When you over-apologise and someone doesn't accept it, your first thought is, 'Fuck you; I didn't even do anything wrong.' Over-apologising means running the risk of resenting someone for failing to accept your unnecessary apology.

It removes credibility from future apologies

Apologies can have diminishing returns. The more you hand them out, the less meaning they carry. As such, you must save them only for when they're necessary.

It lowers your self-esteem

Each apology is an admission of fault. And each admission of fault reinforces an internal belief that you've done wrong, lowering your self-esteem. On the other hand, if you fail to apologise when you have done wrong, you become entitled and obnoxious. A healthy way of being requires balance. Stick to apologising only when you’ve genuinely done wrong.

You appear condescending

Unnecessary apologies can often make the other person seem pitied. For example, say someone invites you for a drink on the weekend, if you say, "Sorry, I can't this weekend. Unfortunately, I have something on." They'll either see you as weak for your unnecessary apology or that you're taking pity on them - as if they'd be lost and downtrodden without your attendance. Even though you're only apologising out of guilt for your inability to fulfil their request - they can often take it as an apology as if 'you have no other friends.'

What's the alternative to an over-apology?

Just announce your intentions. If you're approaching your boss with a request for their time, don't start by saying: "Sorry, can I have a moment of your time?" Instead, say: "Can you please let me know when you have a moment to chat, I need to ask you a question."

Excuse me. If someone is in your way while you're walking through a shopping centre, don't say: "Sorry, can I please move through here." Instead, say: "Excuse me".

Thank you. When you're running late to meet a friend, and you've already explained your delay, don't apologise when you arrive. Instead, say, "Thanks for your patience."

I can't. If someone invites you to a party, and you've already got plans that night, don't apologise for your plans, explain you're busy: "I appreciate the invite, but I can't come. I'm having dinner with my parents."

A tendency to over-apologise comes across as weak, insincere and it diminishes your credibility, interpersonal relationships and self-esteem. Reserve your apologies for genuine wrongdoings.