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WOMEN DON'T LIKE NICE GUYS

Nice guys finish last. When it comes to dating, you've probably heard this a million times.

But why?

According to the average nice guy, it’s because women are only attracted to assholes.

But truthfully, it’s because there’s a massive disconnect between how a nice guy intends his behaviour to be seen, and how she actually sees it...

HE AGREES WITH EVERYTHING SHE SAYS

He claims to share all of her world views, opinions, hobbies and personal interests.

What he thinks he’s doing: 

  • Highlighting their compatibility
  • Preventing her from feeling wrong or rejected

What he’s really doing: 

  • Appearing dishonest
  • Becoming predictable
  • Losing her interest
  • Seeming incapable of forming his own opinions

HE'S OVERLY PROTECTIVE

He constantly checks in on her while they’re apart, and clings to her when they’re together.

What he thinks he’s doing: 
  • Building a stronger bond
  • Being her knight in shining armour
  • Making her depend on him
What he’s really doing: 
  • Suffocating her
  • Patronising her; not allowing her independence
  • Controlling her
  • Suggesting he doesn’t trust her

HE REFUSES TO FLIRT

He considers it ungentlemanly to ever make flirtatious comments, teases or playful jokes in her presence.

What he thinks he’s doing:

  • Being respectful
  • Ensuring he never makes her feel uncomfortable

What he’s really doing:

  • Telling her he’s boring and feels awkward about sex

HE PUTS WOMEN ON A PEDESTAL

He treats her as if she’s perfect and incapable of wrongdoing. 

What he thinks he’s doing:

  • Making her feel special
  • Showing that he likes her

What he’s really doing: 

  • Telling her he’s unworthy
  • Creating expectations that she’ll never be able to meet

HE CHOOSES NICE ABOVE ALL ELSE

He’ll never share uncomfortable truths, disagree with her or tell her something she may not want to hear.

What he thinks he’s doing: 

  • Being likeable
  • Highlighting their compatibility
  • Protecting her from harm

What he’s really doing: 

  • Being dishonest
  • Boring her
  • Avoiding friction (and without friction, there’s no spark)

HE ONLY DISPLAYS ONE EMOTION

A nice guy is always nice. No matter his personal circumstances, in her presence, he’s constantly pleasant and polite.

What he thinks he’s doing: 

  • Showing emotional consistency
  • Making himself likeable

What he’s really doing: While women are attracted to emotional consistency, even the stablest of men frequently show a wide range of emotions. Therefore, a nice guy’s constant niceness appears insincere.

HE CONSTANTLY COMPLIMENTS WOMEN

‘You are so beautiful.’
‘You’re incredibly smart.’
'You are such an amazing person.’
‘You’re so talented.’

What he thinks he’s doing: 

  • Stating that he likes her
  • Making her feel good

What he’s really doing:

  • Becoming predictable
  • Overwhelming and making her uncomfortable
  • Thieving the joy associated with earning a compliment
  • Making future compliments less impactful

HE'S ALWAYS LOOKING FOR VALIDATION

‘Are you having fun?’
‘Have I done something to upset you?’
‘Are you ok?’
‘Do you like this place?’
‘Would you like to do something else?’

What he thinks he’s doing: 

  • Being considerate and thoughtful
  • Seeking feedback for improvement

What he’s really doing: 

  • Implying she seems awkward, unhappy or uncomfortable
  • Stating he feels incapable of retaining her interest
  • Failing to take the lead
  • Seeming unconfident in his decision making
HE STRIVES TO BE HER VISION OF PERFECT
 
He develops a sense of how she perceives the ideal man, then attempts to emulate him.
 
What he thinks he's doing:
  • Improving his chances of landing her
  • Nobly pursuing self-improvement
What he’s really doing:
  • Telling her he’d rather be her best version of him than his best version of himself
  • Prioritising what she thinks of him over his self-image
  • Chasing an unattainable goal (perfect is impossible)
HE'S PASSIVE
 
Whether she cancels plans last minute, offends him, or oversteps his boundaries, he always let's it slide.

What he thinks he’s doing: 
  • Displaying his maturity
  • Proving his cool and easygoing he is
  • Remaining likeable
 
What he’s really doing:
  • Instructing her that her negative behaviours are acceptable
  • Implying he's unimportant and that his feelings don't matter

IF WOMEN DON'T LIKE NICE GUYS, SHOULD I BE AN ASSHOLE?

This is a question I've received countless time. Because a man's nice guy ways aren't working, he often assumes his only alternative is to be an asshole.

But there's another way of being. One that's far more authentic, engaging, and attractive. And it's called kindness.

Kindness is like being nice, but with self-respect and social consideration.

Being nice means telling someone what they want to hear to prevent them from disliking you; being kind means telling someone what they need to hear, for the sake of their betterment.

Assess your understanding of what it means to be kind by completing the quiz below.