How to be a better leader in all areas of your life.

I once had a coaching client, Rick (not his real name), who, after being promoted to Sales Manager, found it difficult to command respect for the advice he offered employees. Rick believed the problem lay with his tone: “I’m probably not being assertive enough. I need to learn how to answer my employees' questions with more confidence and authority.” Unconvinced by his theory, I suggested a role play: “I’ll pretend I’m one of your employees.”

Me: “Hi Rick, I’m speaking with a prospect who’s also speaking with one of our competitors. The prospect claims the competitor is cheaper, but I can’t go any lower on price. I’m scared that if I refuse a discount, they’ll go to the competitor. What should I do?”

Rick: “That’s easy. Do some research on the competitor and find out in what areas our product is superior to theirs. Once you relay this information to your prospect, they’ll stop hassling you for a discount.”

Me: “Ok. Let’s try another scenario.”

Me: “Hi Rick, I have a client who’s unhappy with our service. Not only do they want to cancel their current contract, they also want a refund on previously purchased products.”

Rick: “Another easy one. Politely explain that their contract is air-tight. If they’re still upset, offer some free products as a sign of good faith.”

After only 2 role plays, I was confident I’d found the cause of Rick’s problem. And so I told him a story of someone I know whose advice was always revered by his employees - My Dad.

For 23 years, Dad (Stuart) was the Managing Director of a 200 person commercial printing and mailroom equipment company. During Summer breaks as a teenager, I worked in his warehouse as a means to support my Playstation addiction. I mostly did odd jobs, like shredding outdated financial documents, refurbishing dusty old mailroom machines and dismantling broken printers. My shift ran from 9-5pm, and Dad, who was my lift home, usually finished work at 5:30pm. With 30 minutes to kill at the end of each day, I’d sit in his office and surf the internet on his spare computer. 

One afternoon, a State Sales Manager, Courtney, dropped in for a chat: “Stuart, I need some advice. The Department of Education (a major client for the business at the time) is missing their latest shipment of laminating rolls and they’re not happy. What should I tell them?” Without pause, Dad asked: “What do you think you should tell them?” Courtney pondered for a moment, then replied: “Well, I left a voicemail with the shipping company earlier, but I’ll try them again. If I don’t get through, I think I should speak to my contact at the Department of Education, find out what essentials they’re missing from the order, grab them from the warehouse, then arrange an express courier to drop them off first thing tomorrow.” Dad considered Courtney’s proposal, smiled, nodded, then confirmed: “Sounds like a great idea. Get it done.” Courtney grinned, thanked Dad, and, with a sense of proud purpose, marched back to her office. 

Once Courtney was out of earshot, I turned to Dad and asked: “What exactly do you do as Managing Director?” He seemed confused by my question, so I continued: “People come to you for advice, but instead of advising, you make them do the work, then send them on their way. Is your job just to validate other people’s ideas?” Dad laughed, then replied: “Sort of. But I call it guidance. Also, the extent I contribute depends on the *efficacy of their proposed solution.” He then explained that there are 3 common responses to the question: ‘What do you think you should do?’, and as such, 3 potential directions to steer the conversation:

*Efficacy: The ability to produce a desired or intended result.

When they say: ‘I think I should do X, but I want your opinion.’

The employee isn’t looking for advice. They’re either looking for validation or permission. If option X is flawed, Dad helps the employee understand why and asks: ‘What else do you have in mind?’ Once the employee proposes a suitable solution, Dad commends their efforts and sends them on their way.

When they say: ‘I have a few ideas in mind, but I don’t know if I should do X, Y or Z.’

The employee isn’t looking for advice, they just want assistance narrowing their options. In this instance, Dad strategises with the employee, helping them consider the risks and rewards associated with each option. Once the employee has identified the most suitable option, Dad commends their efforts and sends them on their way.

When they say: ‘I have no idea, that’s why I’m asking you.’

The employee either does have some ideas, but lacks the confidence to say them aloud, or they genuinely need Dad’s advice. As such, Dad will initially create a safe space by instructing his employee to verbally brainstorm every possible option. If the employee strikes gold, Dad will commend their efforts and send them on their way.

If, however, the employee comes up dry, Dad asks more questions: 

‘How long have you been working with the client?’ 

‘What are they like as a person?’ 

‘How have you managed these situations in the past?’ 

‘What’s the worst case scenario if we do nothing?’ 

‘Do you believe this client will be a sizeable long-term revenue generator?’

If, after further questions, the employee still has no ideas, Dad provides some suggestions and he and they mutually decide on the best option. Then he sends them on their way.

Closing off his explanation, Dad remarked: “When my employees approach me for help, I rarely need to give them advice. Most of the time, I’m just here to help them clarify their thoughts, then provide validation.”

The benefits of guidance

Providing guidance and asking intelligent questions in favour of blindly prescribing advice is an effective method of problem solving frequently used by business leaders, psychologists, relationship therapists, hostage negotiators and generally thoughtful people. The reasons being:

The other party probably already knows the answer

Most of the time, people aren’t coming to us for answers. They just want validation, permission or help clarifying their thoughts. As such, qualifying questions are usually enough to create the clarity they need.

Guidance encourages critical thinking

Critical thinking is the ability to think clearly and rationally, understanding the logical connection between ideas. 

By asking questions and encouraging the other party to use critical thinking, they’ll naturally become more capable, creative, independent and considerate in their problem solving moving forward.

The prevention of psychological reactance

Psychological reactance refers to the unpleasantness we experience when our choices are limited or our freedom is being infringed upon. This is why, when a mother tells their child to put on a jacket, the child says no, even if it means feeling cold and uncomfortable. It’s also why, when we’re told we can’t have something, we want it more than ever.

When someone comes to you with a problem, and you respond by telling them what to do, their psychological reactance naturally makes your suggestion sound less attractive, encouraging the other party to seek a different option. If, instead, you guide the other party to making their own decision (even if that decision is the same as your suggestion), they’ll be far more receptive and willing to take it on board.

Questions provide more context

When someone approaches us with a problem, they rarely divulge all necessary information straight away. As such, you need to coax more information out of them through the use of thoughtful questions. This provides you with a better vantage point from which to offer a solution.

Telling people what to do prevents empowerment

By teaching others how to help themselves, they’re less likely to request help every time they feel stuck. This frees up more time for you to get on with other activities.

Making our own decisions creates accountability

When the other party feels a decision is made for them, you become their scapegoat in which to place blame if the outcome of the decision is unsuccessful. This holds the other party less accountable, and thus, removes some of their motivation to make things work.

Bosses tell, leaders guide

My client, Rick, had fallen into a trap many of us do when we wish to be seen as authoritative, intelligent and helpful; he prescribed advice when he should’ve been providing guidance. He was desperate for others to see him as all-powerful and all-knowing, when really, there’s more respect to be earned in empowering others.

How to decipher when guidance is best

If someone’s request for help can easily be answered with a straightforward solution, they’re not looking for advice or guidance, they’re looking for information. Questions like: ‘I like your haircut, who is your barber?’ or ‘How do you keep your white clothes looking so bright after many wears and washes?’ Questions like these are best handled with straightforward answers: ‘Thanks, I go to ABC Barbers on George street” or ‘I put a cap of Vinegar in with my washing powder’.

More ambiguous requests for help benefit first from guidance, and, only when it’s clear the other person can’t help themselves, should you resort to advice.

Say a friend tells you: ‘I think my boyfriend is cheating on me.’

Immediate, ill-conceived advice might sound like: ‘There’s no smoke without fire. Dump him’, ‘I always knew you were too good for him’ or ‘Confront him about it immediately!’

Guidance, on the other hand, begins with questions:

“What makes you think that?”

“How long has something felt off?

“What do you think you should do about it?”

“How do you plan to broach the subject?”

“What are the potential pitfalls of taking that approach?”

More often than not, these questions will inspire your friend to solve their own problem; to figure out the best course of action and act accordingly. In addition, asking expansive questions broadens your perspective, thus making your suggested solutions more considered.

The same goes when someone close to you is feeling down after losing their job, when they’re having a tough time at work, are dealing with a personal dilemma, going through an identity crisis or feeling heartbroken after a recent breakup. Any situation where there’s more than one potential solution to their problem benefits from the use of guidance

It’s easy to believe that immediately providing answers to people’s requests for help will make us seem authoritative, but in reality, humble, insightful leaders mostly just ask the right questions and empower others to formulate their own advice. Doing this gives others a sense of pride, earns you respect for your thoughtfulness and ability to listen and it makes you a reliable source of wisdom.