Advice

Making good men, great men.

Women don't like Nice Guys. Women like good men.

Distinguishing the key differences between Nice Guys and genuinely good men.

Template for Blog Pictures (19)

In this world, there is a subset of men that believe women are only attracted to assholes.

Which is true, if you preface this belief with 'very few'.

The vast majority of women are attracted to good men.

The subset of men that believe otherwise are Nice Guys.

What's a Nice Guy?

Nice Guy: (noun)

A man that displays overwhelming acts of kindness towards women, with a firm expectation of immediate romantic or sexual rewards.

Some of the common traits of a Nice Guy include:

He puts women on a pedestal

Nice guys are prone to putting women on a pedestal. They do so to the point of making a woman uncomfortable, or worse, bored.

They 'coincidentally' have all of the same hobbies and interests as her.

They agree with all of her world views and personal opinions.

They refuse to say anything that could offend her (up until the point she rejects him, but we'll get to that in a moment).

They are at her beck and call whether or not she becks, or calls for it. 

They constantly fawn over her.

They laugh too loudly at her throwaway jokes.

They drown her in unnecessary flattery.

He's dishonest

Nice Guy's are, by their very nature, dishonest.

They pretend to agree with everything a woman says.

They deceive women through the use of emotional manipulation.

They falsely big-note themselves to women.

They literally tell women: 'I'm a good guy'.

Nice Guys are dishonest.

He's a (sore) loser

When a nice guy faces rejection from a woman, his response generally involves a two-step approach:

1. He initially ignores it.

A Nice Guy will relentlessly continue his pursuit of a woman, despite any subtle, initial signals she gives off that she's not interested.

As such, women are eventually pushed to the point of forcefully spelling it out to him: 'I'M NOT INTERESTED, LEAVE ME ALONE'.

2. He throws a tantrum

Once a Nice Guy realises defeat, he doesn't keep his cool and move on from the rejection with grace and civility.

He burns the bridge between him and her until there is nothing left but the charred remains of his bruised ego.

He calls her a prude or a slut (or sometimes both, unaware of the irony).

He makes nasty comments about her personal appearance.

Finally, he caps it off with something along the lines of: 'I'm out of your league anyway.'

Here is an example of how this could play out in an online dating scenario:

Nice Guy: Hello Emily, you have beautiful eyes.
I should tell you, I'm not like most guys.
I know how to treat a girl right. 
If you go out with me, I'll be the one in the kitchen making YOU a sandwich! 
Hehe...
 

Emily: Hey, thanks for the compliment.

Nice Guy: You're welcome.
So, what sort of sandwich can I come over and make for you tonight?
 

*15 minutes pass*

Nice Guy: Hello?

Emily: Hey, sorry, I'm at work.
I appreciate the offer, but I just got out of a relationship, and I'm not really ready to meet up with any guys just yet.
 
Nice Guy: Well that's good, cos I'm not just any guy. Hehe.
How about we take it slow.
Let me buy you a coffee.
 

Emily: As I said, I'm not ready for that yet.

Nice Guy: Come on, I promise I'm a good guy.

Emily: Look, I'm not interested, ok? Sorry.

Nice Guy: Ok, fine. Jeez. Just trying to be nice.

*15 minutes pass*

Nice Guy: I bet you'll end up dating some jobless loser who treats you like shit. 

*1 hour passes*

Nice Guy: No wonder your last boyfriend left you.
Women only date asshole losers. 
If you don't want to meet any guys, then why the fuck are you on this app in the first place?
 

*1 hour passes*

Nice Guy: Fine, don't respond. Slut.

Nice Guys fail to realise that by being sore losers, they are indeed assholes themselves.

He has no respect for women

Deep down, Nice Guys have no respect for women. 

This is apparent when you witness the Jekyll to Hyde transformation a Nice Guy makes whenever a woman rejects him.

It is also apparent with the overwhelming approach Nice Guys take in their pursuit of a woman.

Men who respect women don't check in on them every ten minutes, nor do they leave women banks of four unresponded text messages on the regular. 

This sort of behaviour is invasive, uncomfortable and ultimately, disrespectful.

He's completely unaware of himself

Nice Guys seldom accept fault when women reject them.

They refuse to consider: 'If I keep sending women uncomfortably flattering messages and not a single one of them responds positively, maybe that's on me?'

Instead, a Nice Guy carries on recycling the same tired, empty messages, growing more resentful with each rejection he receives in response.

A Nice Guy's inability to self-reflect and self-improve condemns him to a life of bitter cynicism and exponentially painful rejection.

Are Nice Guys born Nice Guys, or do they become them?

Now that you've read through some of the typical traits of a Nice Guy, you're probably wondering: 'are Nice Guys born Nice Guys, or do they become them?'

While some Nice Guys were born that way, others were just vulnerable men who transformed into Nice Guys after a series of bad moves.

We call them newly Nice Guys.

What's a newly Nice Guy?

Newly Nice Guys are those that began their dating life as insecure, misguided young men and devolved into Nice Guys over time.

Let me show you an example of how this happens.

In this example, I'll call our pre-Newly Nice Guy, Guy.

Guy starts speaking to a woman.

He is overwhelmingly flattering in his approach.

The woman feels uncomfortable, and eventually, Guy gets rejected.

Guy is heartbroken by the rejection and confused as to why she rejected him. After all, he was so kind and friendly towards her.

After a few days, he gets over the rejection and moves on in search of another.

Guy starts speaking to a new woman.

Just like last time, he is overwhelmingly flattering in his approach.

The woman feels uncomfortable, and eventually, Guy gets rejected.

Guy is heartbroken by the rejection and even more confused as to why it happened. After all, he was so kind and friendly towards her.

After a few days, he gets over the rejection and moves on in search of another.

As this pattern continues, Guy becomes a little more cynical and a little more frustrated each time.

Ever heard of the saying: The definition of madness is trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result?

Well, that's spot on in the case of how some men become newly Nice Guys, and how Nice Guys stay Nice Guys.

They continue the same lazy, ill-conceived attempts at seduction over and over, expecting someone will eventually take the bait.

As the rejections pile up, Nice Guys develop a resentment towards women, become sore-losers and convince themselves that the only reason women don't like them, is because women are only attracted to assholes.

Let's talk about good men

Nice Guys and good men are polar opposites.

While a Nice Guy is disrespectful, insincere, overly agreeable and selfish, a good man is respectful, confident, honest and selfless.

Some of the common traits of a good man include:

He carries out acts of kindness with no ulterior motive

Good men don't hold the door open for a woman or compliment her smile, as a way to get her into bed.

A good man displays acts of kindness towards women because being kind and respectful is in his nature.

Women appreciate an act of kindness when they sense that it's being delivered in a sincere, ulterior free manner.

Sincere gestures from a man lower a woman's defenses and increase his credibility in her eyes.

He treats women as individuals

Unlike Nice Guys, (who let their negative experiences with a few women dictate their views on all women) a good man treats women on a case by case basis.

This is beneficial, regardless of the outcome of his past encounters with women.

When a past encounter was negative, he doesn't project his baggage onto the next woman.

When a past encounter was positive, he doesn't set unrealistically high expectations upon the next woman.

He's a good loser

When a good man gets rejected by a girl, (yes, it does happen) no matter how painful it feels, he knows when to call it quits, accept the loss and move on.

He won't respond to her rejection message demanding she explains herself further.

He won't accuse her of disliking him because he treated her too well.

He won't send her insulting messages until he elicits an emotional response from her.

He's too busy getting back on his feet and finding somebody else.

Disclaimer: The recovery time from a break-up is dependent on the length and nature of the relationship. I'm not suggesting good men move on from every rejection quickly and effortlessly.

He doesn't dote on women

Good men are rarely accused of appearing desperate in their pursuit of a woman.  This is namely because a good man won't dote on a woman.

Before he compliments her, he senses that the situation calls for it.

He won't show strong affection towards a woman until he feels that the relationship has developed to a point where his affection will be well received and reciprocated.

He doesn't treat women like poor, lost puppies, as he sees them as adults who are capable of looking after themselves.

He is always looking for ways to improve

Good men are naturally self-reflective beings.

When a good man realises his shortcomings or is faced with rejection, he makes a concerted effort to confront and improve himself.

This is vastly different from Nice Guys, who prefer to blame their problems on everyone else.

He challenges women

Good men won't enthusiastically agree with everything a woman says and does. If he disagrees with something she's said, he will make it known, respectfully.

Good men also aren't afraid to make fun of a woman (in a fun and playful way). 

Examples of this include: 'I'd ask you to dance, but you couldn't handle my moves' or 'I don't think you and I are going to work out, we should call it quits now' (after she reveals she doesn't like Nando's).

He is self-assured

Good men know their worth and remind themselves of it often.

They won't bend at the will of others or let 'haters' alter the views they have of themselves.

They hold strong to their values and express them to women in a mature are rational manner.

He respects women

Good men view women as their peers.

By treating women as their peers (which, in fairness, all men rightfully should), good men reap 2 benefits:

  1. They don't run the risk of becoming subservient to a woman.
  2. They don't view women as inferior by expecting immediate gratification for their attempts at seduction (therefore their expectations aren't constantly crushed, leading them down a hateful emotional spiral ala Nice Guys.)

He owns his insecurities

Being a good man doesn't mean being free from insecurities.

Sure, the average good man has far fewer insecurities than the average Nice Guy, but still - he does have them.

The difference is, he's not afraid to admit them.

Where a Nice Guy will channel his insecurities into bullying others and bringing them down, a good man owns his insecurities and looks to address them in a healthy manner.

The way a good man owns his insecurities is by:

- Being open about them and seeking counsel from friends where necessary
- Considering ways he can alleviate his insecurities by improving himself
- Developing strong empathy and understanding for the insecurities of others, based on those he possesses within himself
 
 

Final thoughts

While the traits listed above provide an underlying framework of what makes a Nice Guy vs. what makes a good man, the world is not so black and white.

Some good guys have moments of weakness, just as some Nice Guys have moments of clarity and good.

If you are guilty of a few Nice Guy traits and you fear you could become a full blown Nice Guy, please know - there's still a chance for salvation.

My advice to you is to change your mindset and attitude towards women, but firstly - towards yourself.

If you don't,  you are likely to live a life filled with romantic rejection and increasing bitterness towards yourself and others.

Nice Guys, start being good men.

Good men, keep up the good work.

New call-to-action